If only we'd known

When I was a kid, we lived next to the humongous woods in Canaan, Connecticut known as Canaan Mountain. There were miles of trails, hills, cliffs, and boulders, and in our yard we had an expansive lawn. I loved to mow it with our Ford tractor (below), and I think my dad was pretty happy with that arrangement.

This photo reminds me of that time, and also makes me wonder how those years might have been a little better if we’d known I suffered from anxiety.

As the middle child, I was the peacemaker. Intuitive about others’ feelings, I was a ‘pleaser,’ and would try to fix any hint of trouble between other members of my family. Of course, being constantly on watch for any disagreement between other people is a great way to amp up your anxiety. I think this is why when I coached, I had to be head coach. In business, I had to run the show. To be down in the middle of the organization just puts me in that in-between place, and it’s too exhausting.

During those old roam-the-field and ride-the-tractor days, I had a tricky stomach. I wanted my dad to be proud of me. He was, and made a point of saying so, but I still felt a self-imposed pressure to ‘measure up.’ And at the same time, I didn’t want them to worry. So I never told them when I thought my throat was closing, or when I thought that I would go blind if I fell asleep. Telling them would make them worry about me, and I didn’t want them to worry.

Ironically, if I’d told them about my anxiety, they might have worried at first, but we would have dealt with it, and in the long run, there might have been a lot less to worry about.