Empty toolbox

Brian speaks to a record crowd at Dean College’s Executive Lecture Series

I spoke at Dean College as part of their Leadership Institute’s Executive Lecture Series. The talk started at 4:30 so, I arrived at 1:45 (because that’s what anxious people do).

I slowly brought my books in from my car and set up the author’s table. It should have taken five minutes, but I made it last 45. I thoroughly inspected the Atrium where I would be speaking. I walked across the wide stage, looked up at the two huge screens that in two-and-a-half hours would be displaying my name.

Students came and went. Some noticed the sandwich boards and posters and did a double-take: “That’s him!” One student asked me to sign her binder, which was incredibly charming.

As the minutes and hours ticked by, my team showed up to handle the pre-show details: sound check, stool placement, computer setup, video coordination. As I watched them work, it hit me what a big deal this was. And of course, the fear engulfed me. It felt like I slid back 16 or 17 years: pounding heart, sweaty palms, and the all encompassing WHAT IFs?

My wife doesn’t usually come to these talks because it’s painful for her to listen to these stories of torment. But tonight represented the kickoff of a much bigger phase to this project, and I called in a favor: I asked her to come. I wanted her to see it.

The room filled up, with people standing in back and from the railings above (I later learned it was an unprecedented level of attendance for one of these events). There was no turning back now. The front row was reserved for the heads of the school and other dignitaries. Professors, students, coaches, and others kept coming and coming.

As I stood in the corner playing my Shinedown video “Standup,” I got a text from my wife:

WIN.

I welled up. One simple word, brought me to what Adrian says to Rocky in Rocky 2. It brought me back to reality and reminded me to use my toolbox: Drop your Armor. Act as If. Nobody’s Coming. Good Thoughts Not Bad.

They introduced me, people clapped, and I walked up to the stage and took the microphone. I walked to the center of the stage, nervous but not afraid.

53 minutes later, I’d done it. I’ve given talks before, but never a presentation like this. The Q & A was amazing, and I was blown away by how many students wanted to take selfies with me. Over an hour later, we went to the president’s house for dinner. It was a wide-ranging conversation, but kept coming back to anxiety, which underscored for me how important this topic is.

Hours later, after my wife hugged me, told me how proud she was of me before we went to bed, I laid awake. Hands behind my head, I actually felt a tear run down my face. After years of being petrified to leave my house, I’d spoken on stage to a crowd of hundreds.

I said a prayer and went to sleep.